The Wedding of the Year

In case you didn’t know already TWOTY (The Wedding of the Year) takes place on Sunday. SD and TOW* will (finally) be joined in holy matrimony in the University Chapel. Isn’t that lovely? (Excuse me while I go and throw up somewhere.)

There is much I could say about the upcoming celebrations, but lets just leave it with me saying that I find it odd his second wedding will far outshine his first. And his first wasn’t exactly a low key affair. You’d think he’d have learnt how vacuous and what a waste of money the whole show really is and getting married in a church is rather offensive to religious people if you are not in the slightest bit religious yourselves. But it’s nicer than a registry office, so that’s ok. This sounds like I’m bitter. I’m truly not.

The one thing about the day that I’m struggling with is the fact that Nuggs is going to have this amazing adventure, have so much fun and be adored by everyone there. And I’ll not be part of it. I’ll not be there to see my baby shine. To watch her twirl away the day in her (I’m assured) beautiful dress. To take credit for her excellent (ha!) behaviour and her exemplary manners. To dance with her and muck around and generally be part of what I’m sure will be one of the most memorable days of her life so far. And a day I know she’s going to talk about for a long time to come.

I hate it.

TOW has just sent me a text (the first one ever! – she had to tell me it was her because I’ve never been given her number before) to make sure SD had told me we were “more than welcome to come along to see Nuggs arriving at the church”. Part of me would love to go just to see her, but that part is vastly outweighed by the rest of me screaming “NO”. I can’t begin to imagine how awkward it would be with her and all her family and then Giraffe and I standing there, sticking out like sore thumbs. I don’t think it would be good for Nuggs either. She’d see us there and want us to be part of it all. She’s too young yet to understand why that wouldn’t happen.

I’ve never been one for crowding her, or for being sentimental about things like this. But the older she gets, the more I realise that this is a part of her life I will never be included in. That time with her Dad and TOW is something I’ll never be able to touch. I know it’s not much different to her life at school that I never see, or the time she spends at whatever clubs she goes to. But somehow this is different. This is family life. Family life that wasn’t meant to turn out this way when we decided we were ready to have a baby.

Do I wish he hadn’t done what he did way back then? Absolutely not. I’m glad he did. He could have gone about things in a better way, but if he wasn’t happy in the marriage (neither of us really were) then I’m glad he didn’t stick around. My life has turned out a million times better than it ever could have with him. I’m happier, more secure (emotionally and financially), more loved and a much better person in this life I have now.

It’s one of those inexplicable situations where I simultaneously wish I’d never met him, but am glad I did. Without him there would be no Nuggs. That’s unthinkable (well, most of the time anyway. Maybe not at 6.15 on a Saturday morning…). I also sometimes (quite often) wish he was one of those Dads who leaves and doesn’t ever really look back. Life would be so much more simple. But that would also be very unfair on Nuggs, so I mostly glad he didn’t do that. Instead, we have a situation where he sees her as much as he thinks he can, she doesn’t think she sees enough of him and the Giraffe and I agree with her. It’s far from perfect, but it is what it is and it seems no amount of reasoning from me will make him think he could give her more of his time.

Unless she goes to live with him.

Yes, that’s what SD wants. He wants to give up his job, find a less stressful one with better hours (he’s a chef, better hours don’t exist) and have Nuggs go and live with him and TOW. The man who currently sees his daughter for one day each week (on a day when she’s at school and has an evening club) thinks that is an ideal situation. I don’t imagine he’ll take it through the courts, but if he does he’s up for one hell of a fight.

Oh dear. That wasn’t what this blog was supposed to be about! I appear to have rambled and ranted a little. What this was supposed to be about was me getting teary about Nuggs being off having an amazing day at her father’s wedding and to show you this:

(I have removed the picture, for the sake of not having Nuggs’ face up on t’interweb for all to see. If you would like to see it, just ask me.)

This is the wedding present that Nuggs is giving to her Dad and TOW. It was all the idea of the Giraffe (who blogged about it over here). Although she did slightly nick the concept from someone else. We’ve spent ages taking photos of Nuggs in various letter shapes in various locations. We (mainly the Giraffe) have put a fair amount of effort into making sure Nuggs is happy with it. From our point of view, it’s not really ‘for’ the Happy Couple. It’s for Nuggs to know in years to come that the three of us did something special and unique to mark the occasion. It has the added bonus of elevating us to the moral high ground, yet again. But that’s just a welcome side effect, not the reason for doing it.

*TOW: The Other Woman. I need a better name for her, since that makes it sound like I’m still bitter and hate her. Again, I truly don’t. Suggestions are welcome, but she’ll be TOW until I find something better.

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6 thoughts on “The Wedding of the Year

  1. I can see why you would have mixed emotions about this! Kind of a sticky area.

    I don’t know about over in the UK, (that’s where you’re from, right?), but here in the US, the “father” always says he’ll take the kid(s) away, but it rarely ever truly happens. They have to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are a bad mother – which obviously you are not. I know it’s a scary thing though, just the thought of it. Good luck this weekend, and good on you for taking the higher road! What a beautiful set of pictures of Nuggs 🙂

    • Yes, we’re in the UK. It’s pretty much the same here. Fathers use it as a threat, but rarely follow through. As one person said to me, if they had to do even half of the childcare, they’d soon shut up. I can’t imagine any court in the country actually giving him the time of day. The most I can think he would get would be more ‘access’ (I hate that word), which would be a win all round! I’m not overly worrying about it.

      The high ground is a good place to be 😉

  2. Aw, it’s really lovely – he is lucky that the mother of his child is so reasonable and makes the effort to ensure that everything is done with Nuggs’ best interest as the priority. My parents split when I was very little (just a toddler) and the best thing they ever did for us was remain ‘friends’ (I only found out that it was all fake when I reached adult hood!)

    I hope Nuggs has a wonderful day and comes home with lots of tales of twirling for you both 🙂

    Oh, and on TOW issue – it’s OK, mine is called TENO (the exes new one) there really is no way of coming up with an appropriate blog name for a person who is now dating/going out with/married to your ex! Oh, oh, what about TWSM – as in, Snow white? Is she? Wicked? I can’t imagine you’d be quite so relaxed if you felt she was!

    • I wouldn’t have it any other way. None of what happened between him and I had anything to do with Nuggs, obviously. So I have refused to let her be affected by it. Believe me, this has meant biting my tongue a whole lot! She was only just 1 when we split, so she’s had life this way for as long as she’s known.

      I hope she looks back, like you do, and realises we did things the way we did with her best interest at heart.

      Hmmm, she’s not wicked. Not as far as Nuggs says anyway. I’m relunctant to give her any name that involves the M word. That’s mine and mine alone. (There’s history here. He’s tried it in the past.)

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